“Thank you for writing back to us about the suspension of your account [username]. I understand you don’t want to receive any more help links and you want somebody from eBay to ring you regarding this matter.

I appreciate that you feel this could be resolved more quickly over the phone. I sincerely hope you understand that eBay.co.uk doesn’t generally offer phone support. But I’ll do my best to help you with this.

Regarding the suspension of your account, please note that we’d like to confirm some of the details you’ve registered with eBay. I understand it may not be possible for you to send copies of the documents we suggested.

In this case, kindly send us a proof of your name and address so we can investigate this matter further. Please provide us a separate copy for each. Here is a full list of the documents we’ll accept…

To get your documents to us here in Ireland as quickly as possible, please ensure you pay the correct postage.

Please ensure that all your personal details match the information you’ve registered on your account. Rest assured that eBay treats your personal information with the utmost care.

When we receive the documents we’ll review your account and send you an email – whatever the outcome of the review.

I hope that this information is helpful and that I’ve explained things clearly. We look forward to receiving your documents and resolving this matter as soon as possible.”

It’s a good thing this arrived after eBay finally got in touch with me or it might just have pushed me over the edge. I’ve had to write back saying it’s not my account and that they shouldn’t accept any supposed proof of identity because that’s not me, the address details they put in are not mine, and as I have explained over and over, they have stolen my identity. It’s not rocket science!

At any rate, I have passed this onto my contact at eBay (as I finally have one now) and pointed out why it’s a completely idiotic response.

I have also received two more customer satisfaction surveys.

I will be leaving this up, however, as a record of the utterly joyous experience I have had.

Suppose that on 06 Dec, somebody hacks your email and PayPal accounts, and sets up a fake eBay ID in your name (they did something so you wouldn’t realise, but let’s avoid giving tutorials to budding fraudsters). They start spending your money, which shows up on 11 Dec. You report it to PayPal which gets onto it immediately, returns your money and reports the fake ID to eBay. And then eBay does… nothing.

So you email eBay through the ‘misrepresentation of identity’ page. You get an email telling you to go to live chat, as it’s “the fastest way to help you”. In live chat, you are told to email eBay through the ‘misrepresentation of identity’ page. So you email eBay again and get sent to live chat again. So you go to live chat again and get told to email again.

Every time you email you get a live chat link. Every time you go to live chat they tell you they work in the wrong department and you need to email. Sometimes they tell you this straightaway. Other times they spend ages taking details. One asks for a security code to prove your email account is yours. Then tells you to send another email. Another asks for your full name, current address and three previous ones. Then tells you to send another email.

It’s not that eBay is taking a while to reply – it’s that its replies are perpetuating a Kafka-esque cycle of repetitive, pointless actions. Taking a while is okay. Taking the piss by sending people round in circles? Not so much. You’ve got to wonder if, should you keep emailing, receiving a link to live chat, being told to email, emailing, receiving a link to live chat, being told to email, emailing, receiving a link to live chat, being told to email, emailing and so on, how long this could continue.

So you phone the invitation-only helpline despite not having an invite, because you can’t quite believe there doesn’t just seem to be a phoneline that everybody is allowed to ring.  It is answered by someone who speaks in such a monotone you quite genuinely mistake them for a computer. The person you are speaking to tells you that you need to send an email.

You tell them you have. At least five times, twice that day. They tell you they have all your emails but they have been “routed to the wrong departments” and you need to send another. You ask them why you are being sent around and around and around in pointless circles. They suggest you send an email about it.

So your emails are being “routed to the wrong department” and nobody can stop this from happening. Or act on them anyway, given they’ve told you on the phone that they have actually found them. Following this phone call, the fake ID receives a customer satisfaction survey. You get this because it is registered to your email address. It makes you cry.

On 13 Dec, you contact eBay’s in-house press office as you are a journalist – and an extremely frustrated one at that. You have yet to hear back from the in-house press office. Meanwhile, you receive an email from eBay congratulating the fake ID on receiving its first piece of positive feedback from a transaction that is now subject to a PayPal strike/dispute. “Congratulations!” it says. “You are now a fully-fledged member of eBay!”

You then receive an email from eBay complaining that you have emailed it from the wrong address. This is because you are running two addresses on one inbox and might perhaps be an understandable response if it wasn’t for the fact that eBay has ignored the previous nine or so emails (you have lost count long ago) and only bothered to reply to this one. It is unclear why eBay has only replied to this email and not any of the others, other than to send you links to live chats with people who tell you to send emails. You then receive another customer satisfaction survey asking the fake ID if it is happy with the service it has received.

On 14 Dec, you email eBay’s consumer PR agency. You explain you have reached the point of utter desperation and ask if they can help. They say they will contact eBay’s executive complaints department for you. You have yet to hear from eBay’s executive complaints department. (Edit: they got in touch later on the 16th and were very helpful.)

On 16 Dec, you receive an email from eBay saying: “On reviewing your email, I see that the assistance you need is related to PayPal.” It says PayPal will need to deal with it, not eBay. This despite the fact that the assistance you need is quite clearly related to eBay, because it concerns an eBay account. You wonder how this is possible when the only reference to PayPal was to say that its executive complaints department had reported the fake ID. You wonder if the person “reviewing” your mail bothered to read it. It’s particularly frustrating given that if this was still a PayPal issue it would have been dealt with as PayPal got on the case very quickly and sorted everything they needed to immediately, providing a name and direct line for a human being. PayPal may be part of eBay, but PayPal gets a biscuit – eBay does not.

It then adds: “We are committed to making your eBay experiences pleasant and fulfilling.” This makes you cry. You are now on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

You wonder if there is any chance of someone getting back to you who will help, has read your message, won’t try to send you to a live chat with someone who can’t help, won’t tell you to send another email that’s going to be “routed to the wrong department” and won’t claim it’s PayPal’s problem instead. Come on eBay, a reply – a proper one – would be nice. Just comment here – it will be emailed to me and nobody else will see it as comments are moderated.

Update, 7.30am, 16 Dec: you try live chat again. You paste in the contents of this blog entry. They tell you that as your account has been hacked (erm, it’s not your account, that’s the whole point) they will transfer you to security. Hurray! Except then live chat refreshes. They have actually transferred you back to the original screen. And signed out.

*I did indeed get through to the security team just after 8am on 16 Dec. The fake ID has been suspended but the email said: “Please note that you are not permitted to use eBay in any way during your suspension. This includes registering a new account or using another existing account.” Can eBay tell the difference between real me and fake me, I wondered, or does this mean I can’t use my actual real eBay account in case it can’t. They asked for my name, address and other info. And then you’ll never guess what they told me to do next…